Michelle Hanisch Blog - Psychologist

Apr

23

Why Vision Boards are NOT Froo Froo and Why Science says they Create your Success.

Post By MichelleHanisch in Success

I’ve always been a bit spiritual – ok a lot spiritual. And a little bit froo froo. I was the poster child for the hippy, New Age movement back in the ‘80’s – massaging ‘Essence of Angels’ oil into my hands while singing along to music for Kundalini Yoga. Aaahhh – the good old days. Hang on – I did that last night. Some things never change.

But... I’m also large part Science Geek. So in my world that makes me quite balanced.

What I particularly love is that all that kooky New Age-y and spiritual stuff is being supported by advances in Quantum Physics or Quantum Mechanics or whatever you want to call it.

So all those ‘out-there’ beliefs about ‘vibes’ and thoughts creating reality and attracting things to you are actually true. Don’t ask me how we knew it before science proved it for us but we did.

So for me that’s great news! Headlines read: “Science explains kooky, froo froo world.” All parts of me are happy.

But what does that mean for you?

No it doesn’t mean you have to rub ‘Essence of Angels’ into your skin. The fewer Angels that get essenced the better I reckon. And it doesn’t mean you have to change your name to Rainbow or Moonbeam. And you don’t have to start talking about ‘vibes’ man.

It means that you can start using these kooky things to enhance your happiness and enhance your success.

So let’s look at how this works for success.

Every business book I’ve read talks about starting with a vision, an intention, a clear idea of where you’re going and what you want. And they tell you to keep that vision in mind. Every day. Picture it. Imagine it. Make it as real as possible as a vision.

Hey – wouldn’t a Vision Board do just that?

Of course after the vision you need to take action but the vision is the first and probably most important step to succeeding in whatever is your idea of success.

Let’s see what the latest in Neuroscience has to say about this. Our conscious minds control about 5% of our minds and the subconscious does the rest. So basically everything you think you know is about 5% of what is actually going on. There’s heaps going on behind the scenes in the subconscious. And the subconscious LOVES imagery and metaphor and images.

Mmmmm. Isn’t that what a Vision Board has? Imagery and metaphors?

There’s also this little tidbit too: the mind doesn’t know the difference between what is imaginary and what is real. So if you’re feeding it images and words that represent your success and you’re doing it repeatedly then it is going to come to believe that what you’re feeding it is true.

I’m so sure a Vision Board has images and words that represent your success. And I’m pretty certain that looking at it on a daily basis would be convincing your mind of the reality of your success.

So even though the idea of a Vision Board as a magical tool that will instantly manifest that 3 Million dollar house you want is still not scientifically viable, the idea of a Vision Board as a way to:

· get you clear on your intention and goals,

· to provide a means of amusing and keeping the subconscious involved in plotting your success,

· and as a tool for convincing your mind that you are a successful person

is totally scientifically viable.

So break out your favourite magazines, grab some scissors & glue, and get vision boarding.

If you want some company while you’re creating your Vision Board or you want some guidance then call me – I can work with you individually to create your Vision Board or I often run Vision Board workshops.

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Apr

16

What Made Me do a Happy Dance?

Post By MichelleHanisch in Happiness & Wellbeing

Did you know that people who have children are way less happy than people who don’t? Does that mean in a world of exploding population growth that we’re all a bunch of masochists?

Just imagine everyone’s thought bubbles: “Yes... bring on the babies and my enduring unhappiness. And while you’re at it increase my taxes and schedule five visits to the proctologist”

(Sorry to all the proctologists reading this. I’m sure a visit to you isn’t that bad and that you’re really a very lovely person with a great bedside manner).

Back on track now: So if having children makes us more unhappy.... why do we do it?

I am super excited about the answer. Yep – bouncing around the house, doing my little happy dance.

Some of you probably know that your happiness level is about 50% genetically determined. So essentially you have a happiness set-point based on how you’re put together genetically.

In my ideal world or if I was the’ Creator of all Things Human’ I would have lifted my game on this one and made us all equally happy. There’s plenty of other things that we could differ on.

Let’s stick with the positive theme and say “Yippee – there’s still 50% of happiness that’s in our control. Woot woot!” But the reality is that happy, positive feelings are by nature fairly fleeting. And we have to be fairly diligent about doing stuff to maintain them (unless you’re one of the naturally happiness endowed people).

Mmmmmm. That doesn’t sound like an answer fabulous enough to get a happy dance.

The great news is that living a happy life does not mean being happy all the time. Write that down. Oh hang on – it is written down.

Commit that to memory!

You do NOT have to have happy feeeeelings all the time for you to live a happy life.

Take having children for example. It has been scientifically validated that the little tykes do not make you happy. But they do fulfil another criterion for a happy life: meaning. Having children adds meaning to your life. Not only do they add meaning but they also (unless you get a faulty one – only kidding of course) contribute to positive relationships and a being part of something bigger than yourself – family. All these things are elements to a very happy life.

So if you’re naturally a bit sombre, a bit glum, a bit less than exuberant then you can still live a happy life.

So there (insert raspberry blowing with tongue hanging out) ‘Creator of All Things Human’. We CAN be happy even if you didn’t put us all together in the optimal design for happiness.

So if your positive emotion isn’t that high. If your feel good feeeelings are a bit low. Then you have loads of other options for living the happiest most fulfilling life ever (and I will tell you more about these in the coming weeks) Here’s what they are:

· Find what you’re good at, that you can lose yourself in, and do more of it (clearly parents are good at unprotected sex – however, I don’t recommend that for everyone else).

· Find something that adds meaning to your life and do more of it (this does not necessarily mean make more babies)

· Find something you can belong to that is greater than you and be part of it. This may not be family for you – maybe its church or a yoga group or the organisation/company you work for.

· Develop and maintain really good relationships. Sounds so easy right! More on this later.

· Set yourself goals that you can accomplish. Achievements help make you happy. I mean ...look at how happy new parents are – “Look what I made! It’s a baby!” That’s some achievement!

If you liked this post about happiness and you want to know more call or email me. I’d love to help you get as happy as is humanly possible.

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Apr

09

Decode Your Love Style: Part 2

Post By MichelleHanisch in Love & Relationships

You picked the style that sounds most like you from Decoding Your Love Style. Now it’s time to find out what that means for your relationship.

The styles I mentioned in Decoding Your Love Style are based on Attachment Theory which – if you’ve been to see me – you’ve probably heard me talk about. Attachment Theory is one of the most comprehensive and beautiful theories of love I’ve ever come across.

When you know what your Love Style is there are endless possibilities as to how you can improve your relationship.

So let’s see what each style is all about. Keep in mind when you read them that you have very good reasons for having developed the style that you have and that there’s nothing wrong with any style.

You answered A: “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend upon them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.”

If this is your Love Style then you have what is called Anxious-Avoidant Style. If you chose this Love Style you most likely have mixed feelings about close relationships. You want to be close to your partner but there’s also something about being close that frightens you or makes you uncomfortable. You probably have trouble trusting – you may even think that your partner doesn’t have very good intentions. And you may not see yourself as very worthy of your partner’s love. So you don’t try too hard to get close to your partner, you might even be a bit uncomfortable with affection, and you try to keep your emotions from showing too much.

What you need to work on the most is trust and self-love.

You Answered B: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.”

Your Love Style is called Preoccupied Attachment Style. What that refers is to is that you are preoccupied with your relationships – sometimes to the exclusion of all else. You want high levels of intimacy with your partner, you seek their approval (sometimes too much) and you want them to be responsive to you whenever you need it. If you’re not getting those things you can become very worried and anxiously pursue them for the closeness you’re craving. Sometimes this can be too much for your partner. You may not see yourself as very worthy and can blame yourself if things aren’t right in your relationship. You tend to idealise your partner but can still become critical if they don’t give you the closeness you crave. You probably feel comfortable expressing high levels of emotion.

What you need to work on most is self-soothing and self-love.

You Answered C: “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.”

If you answered C then you have what is called a Secure Attachment Style. You probably feel very comfortable with relationships. You see both yourself and your partner as worthy and lovable. Your relationships are usually trusting, long-lasting, and satisfying. You feel comfortable with being intimate and being independent and you can easily move between the two in your relationships. You generally have pretty high self-esteem and you like to share your feelings with other people. You feel comfortable giving and receiving love. You’re in the majority. About 60% of people report having this Love Style.

What you need to work on most is maintaining the closeness and intimacy in your relationship.

You answered D: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”

If you answered D then you have what is called a Dismissive Attachment Style. You probably value independence over intimacy and may even say that you don’t need relationships. You definitely don’t like feeling vulnerable and will avoid intimacy so you can stay that way. If you happen to feel rejected you probably retreat into your cave. You don’t like your partner to know you’ve been hurt. You probably don’t even like you to know you’ve been hurt and may squash or deny your feelings. You can come across as a bit defensive at times. You tend to rate yourself more highly than you do your partners but this is just another way to protect yourself from being hurt. If they’re not as good as you, you don’t value them as much and they can’t hurt you as much.

What you need to work on most is trust and recognising your feelings.

The number you circled in Decoding Your Love Style tells you how much you see yourself as like that style. If you did this for you partner you can see how much they’re like their own style. Mostly what happens is you’ll get Secure Styles together and Anxious and Preoccupied styles with Avoidant styles.

The more you work on your limitations in relationships the happier and more secure your relationships will be.

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Apr

02

Decode Your Love Style

Post By MichelleHanisch in Love & Relationships

Everyone has a different style in relationships. Your relationship style affects how you interact with your partner, how you react to them, how close you will allow someone to get to you or how close you want to get to them.

Being aware of your style and your partners can help you work out ways to make your relationship healthier and more satisfying for both of you.

If you’re not in a relationship, knowing your relationship style can help you get ready to be the healthiest you can be in a new relationship.

All you have to do is read the descriptions CAREFULLY. Choose the one that’s MOST like you. Then rate (in Part B) how much like EACH STYLE you are. Then you do it for your partner if you have one. Or better still ask them to do it themselves.

Relationship Questionnaire (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).

Part A

Please read each description below and choose the one that BEST describes how you generally are in close relationships. Circle the letter (A, B, C, or D) of the style you chose.

A. I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend upon them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.

B. I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.

C. It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.

D. I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.

Part B

Make sure that you have circled one of the descriptions from Part A. No description fits anyone perfectly so please rate below each of the descriptions and how well it suits you.

Not at all like me Very much like me

Description A 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Description B 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Description C 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Description D 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Sorry to be such a tease. I’m going to tell you what your answers mean next week!

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Mar

28

Stress

Post By MichelleHanisch in What's Happening

There is so much new research into how the brain reacts to stress. And how to deal with it. You can read a teeny tiny snapshot at http://michellehanisch.com/2012/03/27/brain-brain-go-away-come-again-when-you%e2%80%99re-ready-to-play/

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Mar

05

How to be Happier by Making Relationships More Fun

Post By MichelleHanisch in Love & Relationships

You’ve probably heard a million times that good relationships are good for just about everything. They help you cope better. They’re good for your physical health. They make you happier. A LOT happier. They make you live longer. Did I mention how happy they make you?

Let’s face it good relationships are good for just about everything.

For some of us more quiet, introverted, maybe even shy types developing a network of good relationships takes some work.

For those of us who are more naturally outgoing and extroverted, it might come a bit easier but there are always some positives you can focus to improve the quality of your relationships.

So you know what makes us connect and build good relationships?

Laughter. And fun. And play.

How good is that! Building strong relationships doesn’t have to be hard work. You just have to know how to have a giggle.

Positive emotions and play build good strong bonds between people. For starters emotions are contagious. If you’re bringing your positive emotions to your relationships your friends/partner etc will be infected by your joy or positivity. And vice versa. And then you’ll want to spend more time with them. And they’ll want to spend more time with you.

But there’s more.

We are biologically geared to bond through playing.

Playing builds powerfully strong connections with other people.

So try some playful things with people you want to get closer to. Play on a swing-set. Try some playful banter. Take a friend or someone special out on a play- date – like you’re both 5 year olds – have an ice cream sundae with cream & sprinkles on top and tell each other funny stories.

Do anything so long as it’s playful.

Use a light-hearted playful approach when the going gets tough.

Sometimes we can’t avoid tension in our relationships. We can sit and discuss things endlessly. Or at some point we can let stuff go and adopt a light-hearted, playful approach. It lets people know we can move on from conflict and brings back those positive emotions to the relationship.

Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.

If you’ve been following me you would know what a BIG fan of Laughter Yoga I am. Laughter is one of the simplest, best, most powerful ways to build good relationships that I know.

So make sure you have a good laugh with people you want to build a stronger relationship with.

Go to a comedy night together. Watch a funny film. Make up funny words for how your dog’s ears flop. Read jokes to each other. Go to a Laughter Yoga session together.

And watch magic happen as your relationships get better and better.

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Feb

27

How to Spot an Online Liar: Good Advice for You or Your Friends

Post By MichelleHanisch in Love & Relationships

If you or your friends have been on dating sites then you’d know this story:

Picture of a hunky guy (or girl) with a profile that makes him sound like the bomb. “Yes yes yes” you think to yourself” I definitely want to try this one.”

You organise to meet for coffee. You look frantically around the cafe. You can’t see him anywhere. You can’t believe he stood you up.

But hang on a second – there’s a guy waving at you.

You look closer – OMG! It’s him! But fast forwarded to 10 years in the future. And apparently in the future there’s an epidemic of diminishing height and expanding girth.

He LIED to you.

About his age. About his height. And about his weight. And you can bet your ass he lied about being happy-go-lucky, intelligent, and romantic.

So how do you avoid living this nightmare again?

Thanks to some American researchers we can now pick a liar on the internet with 65% accuracy.

This is what to look for when detecting online dating Liars:

1. Liars don’t tend to use “I” much in their profile. Lots of psychological reasons for that which don’t really matter – just look for it. Not many I’s = bad.

2. Liars will say stuff like “not sad” rather than “happy” or “not boring” rather than “exciting”. I suppose this reduces the lies. “Not sad” could mean “angry” or “critical” or “nutcase requiring immediate transfer to the psych ward.”

3. Liars don’t have long profile descriptions – the less said the less chance of being caught out. I mean who can remember all that made up stuff? I can barely remember the true stuff about me on a date.

4. Liars who lie about their weight and height will talk about their work achievements – a simple game of deflection. “Look at how fabulous I am in all these other areas. You’ll be so impressed by this that you won’t turn tail and run when you see that I’m short, fat, and a decade older than I told you I was.”

And now for a little bad news: everyone lies to some extent on the internet. Probably even you or your friends. Mostly about height, weight and age.

And mostly it’s harmless.

But if you use the 4 clues to spotting a liar you’ll stand a much better chance of meeting Mr or Mrs Right.

You just want to hope this isn’t your experience:

“I met Mr Right. I just didn’t realise that his first name was Always.”

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Feb

21

How to Have a Happy Relationship: A Simple, Yummy Recipe

Post By MichelleHanisch in Love & Relationships

So you’ve passed the honeymoon phase. You slid through the conflict phase with not too many scrapes and bruises and now you’re in the “I’m kinda comfortable and not putting in too much effort” phase.

I bet you thought the conflict phase was the tricky one.

Well I hate to break it to you but this “comfortable” phase could be the most dangerous for your relationship.

You slop around the house in your daggiest gear. You don’t show excitement when your partner comes home. And you’ve stopped sending cute, love filled texts throughout the day.

This is not a good recipe for long lasting happiness.

Fortunately for you I have the recipe right here.

Ingredients:

1 cup of admiration

A handful of surprises

3 tbsp of activities together

A pinch of TV-free talking time

1 Kilo of touch

Method:

Combine and bake for a deliciously warm relationship.

*Important note: Carve out time together

Letting your partner know how much they mean to you, how much you love them, the things you like about them – all increases intimacy and trust. And love of course. Who doesn’t like to hear how cool they are!

You can surprise your partner by leaving love notes next to the bed, on the fridge, on their voicemail. Or you can raunch it up by wearing that new lingerie and greeting them at the door. Surprise! I’ll leave the rest of that thought up to you.

Time together is an essential part of building and keeping intimacy. Mix it up a little and do some activities that you don’t usually do. Go for a picnic, plan your dream getaway and actually get away, try out new restaurants, or take a class together. Anything different will spice up the interest and excitement.

TV is a BIG killer of relationships. I recently read that watching TV puts your brain into alpha state which is essentially the same as staring at a wall. And who wants to hang with someone who’s happy staring at a blank wall? Two zombies hanging out together. Not good for building and keeping intimacy. Create a ritual where you spend half hour every day just talking. You can zombie out after you’ve had some talk time.

Did I mention how important time together is? Time together doesn’t have to be a big event. Try things like doing the washing up or the groceries together. Sharing your life together is a really important part of keeping your relationship happy.

And a final bonus ingredient: touch.

Touch is soooo important. Not only does it release oxytocin – the cuddle drug – which makes you feel amazing, touch also conveys love and caring and intimacy. A little touch on the shoulder as you walk past. A hug and a kiss when you come home. Holding hands on the couch. Try to include a bit more of it and see how much better your relationship feels.

Of course there’s lots more you can do but try this simple recipe for now. Let me know if it improves your relationship.

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Feb

13

The Honeymoon is Over: How to Manage Conflict in a Relationship.

Post By MichelleHanisch in Love & Relationships

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could stay in that romantic stage of a relationship? Where your partner can do no wrong. And neither can you (in their eyes).

All their quirky little habits are so adorable. Their snoring sounds like music to your ears. Their gluggy cheesy rice tastes like a Masterchef dish. And their lame jokes are the funniest thing you’ve ever heard.

You could not even begin to imagine that you could ever not worship the ground they walk on or find them annoying or worse still – argue.

Aaahhh – those wonderful, irrational, days of blind love and too many feel good hormones cascading through your brain.

Well guess what! I am the bearer of bad news. Those days end. They come to a grinding holt. The fairytale does not continue.

But hey - that’s a pretty good thing really.

Can you imagine how many work hours are lost due to staring into space all dreamy eyed while thinking about the cute thing they said/did/thought?

And quite frankly I wonder how many car accidents happen for exactly the same reason. “I was thinking about how wonderful his touch was when he held my hand and I completely missed that I was supposed to stop at that red light.”

So....like I said it all comes to a grinding holt. You lose the dreamy eyes. And eventually there is.......wait for it.......(insert drum roll)........conflict!

Noooooooo. Not conflict! The fairytale really is over!

But don’t despair. Conflict is actually a good thing. And it was bound to happen. Cos let’s face it – we are all very different and the idea that we could get along about everything all the time is a bit of an ambitious thought.

The trick is how you handle conflict.

Communication is key.

There are also some times that are better and worse for communicating.

· Bad times: drunk, super-angry, tired, super-stressed, at a party, in front of friends or relatives (in front of the dog is ok but still not great).

· Good times: pre-arranged/pre-agreed on time, private, relaxed, not super-emotional, TV is OFF.

When you have a time that works for both of you and you’re alone try talking about one topic only. Bringing stuff in from the past “remember when you....” never ends well.

And try to listen to your partner. They may not be able to put what they’re feeling into words that make sense to you straight up so keep asking them to clarify if it sounds hurtful to you. Chances are they meant something other than how it came across.

If they said something that hurt you, let them know without blaming them e.g. “That was really hurtful to hear” vs “Jeez you’re an insensitive bastard. No wonder we’re arguing.”

Try to do something that lets them know you’re there for them even if this is hard to talk about. You can use those exact words “I’m here for you even though this is hard to talk about” or keep a hold of their hand or whatever comes naturally to you. Conflict gets scary in a relationship when there’s a threat to your closeness. Let your partner know there’s no threat and your communication will be a whole lot easier.

Most of all try to remember that resolving conflict can create more intimacy and make you closer than ever.

So don’t despair that the honeymoon is over. This phase of a relationship gives you the opportunity to grow and develop a truly deep love.

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Jan

30

How to Get Where You Want to Go

Post By MichelleHanisch in Inspiration

I just read that 80% of the reason why we don't get to where we want to go is internal. So the good news is that if you take care of the internal you can get what you want from life. Cool huh!

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Jan

20

Today's quote

Post By MichelleHanisch in Humour

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late"

Henny Youngman

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Jan

16

Letter to Me's

Post By MichelleHanisch in Humour

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist

While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely

The Opportunist

Thanks to Dawn Kotzer for this. You can check out her facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dawn-Kotzer-Coaching/186219198895?ref=ts&sk=wall

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Jan

10

What's Happening with Medicare?

Post By MichelleHanisch in What's Happening

Alrighty - Medicare changes.

I have spoken to Medicare twice and gotten the same answers both times. It might not seem unusual to you that this would happne but believe me it is.

Under a Mental Health Care Plan (MHCP) you are eligible for up to 10 sessions with a psychologist per Calendar year. That means from January 1st to December 31st.

So if you used your 10 sessions last year you can have up to 10 more this year.

If your last referral was more than 3 months ago you can come back straight away with a new referral (NOT a new plan) from your GP.

If you have not used all 10 sessions from last year - just come on back. You don't need to do anything.

If your last referral was less than 3 months ago you may need to wait.

So it goes like this:

J got a MHCP in August but didn't come to see me til November. Even though J didn't see me until 2 months ago the referral is still way more than 3 months old and J can get a new referral and come back for more sessions.

P used 9 sessions last year. P can come back this year without having to do anything.

N used 6 sessions under her MHCP then got a referral for an additional 4 on 20th November and used them. J will have to wait til 20th January (3 months later) to get a new referral. But then she can have up to 10 more.

So I hope that makes it clearer.

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Jan

10

Taking Action

Post By MichelleHanisch in Inspiration

"Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there"

Will Rogers

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Dec

07

How to Live with Freedom & Passion

Post By MichelleHanisch in Inspiration

"You are not the General Manager of the universe. Your job is to stay open to new possibilities and

Chris & Janet Attwood

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